my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
