My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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