She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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