well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
