So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
