OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
