Your mouth is God's brothel.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
