I think I am morally bankrupt
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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