alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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