Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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