You can't motorboat a personality
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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