no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
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He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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