dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
