So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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