Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
