I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
