Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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