I love black thongs
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
