a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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