Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
