i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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