So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
