I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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