my sisters under your porch take her home
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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