im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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