You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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