someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
my nose is crying tears of wow.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
