I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
