he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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