he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Two words: nipple clamps
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