I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
