Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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