I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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