I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize
