Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
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Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
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He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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