took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
