I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
