My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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