Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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