woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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