Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
