Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
