Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
