I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
