The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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