I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
