I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
