just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
your like the ambassador to my penis.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
