there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
