i need an iv and a liver transplant
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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