he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
