Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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