I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
