The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
