my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
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No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
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Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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