I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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